Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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