Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
