ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
