whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
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