I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
