if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
