Christians are straight up FREAKS
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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