I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
