the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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