Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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