period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
