Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
