you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
