Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
