The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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