Screwed.edu
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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