whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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