I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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