He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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