The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
