i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
