I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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