Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize