So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
