His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
