Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize