is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
