Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
