I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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