is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
