And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize