people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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