i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
