um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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