just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
where does the pee come out of this thing
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
