She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
