i think my tv is drunk
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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