i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
