Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
