I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
