I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
