I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize