Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
