i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
