you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
