What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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