My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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