Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
