just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
