My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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