he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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