On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
