Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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