I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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