dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
