The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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