i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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