My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
