Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
