If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
