it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fuck me I smell like cheese
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
