Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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