anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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