I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
