How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
