they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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