pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
